respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
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I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.