Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
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darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.