Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian

Me: you can just buy them?

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

Best misinterpreted text ever!

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!