Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
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The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did