Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
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ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
broke down and did it
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.