responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
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What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back