responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
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A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise