Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
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Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
#Caturday
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime