Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
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If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I want what they have
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.