Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
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Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy