Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

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Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.


Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.


My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes


Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?


If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.


Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.


and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show


Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.


Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.


The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.