@mostly_cheese [diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
@liamoryan Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
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@mostly_cheese 
@Brianhopecomedy Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
@Skullcat My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
@Reverend_Scott Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
@sucittaM If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
@soanim8ed Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
@evildadatron and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
@djdarrellripley Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
@JimmerThatisAll Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
@robfee The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.