@MJMcKean

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

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@aveuaskew

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

@Adam_Kingsnorth

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

@capnwatsisname

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

@NYC_Blonde

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

@DaddyJew

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

@simranstatin

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

@daemonic3

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.