restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
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Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
the icebreaker
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
This meal prepping shit easy
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???