@OrdinaryAlso

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

You Might Also Like

@Kyle_Lippert

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

@_davidlucas_

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

@TheRolo

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

@juanadog

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

@SoulYodeler

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

@StevieKnip

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

@shutupmikeginn

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

@MooseAllain

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

@Tommytoughstuff

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.