restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

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He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.



How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?


Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?


Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend


Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?


if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun


I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.


JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.