@thehubrispanda I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
@OrdinaryAlso restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
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@thehubrispanda 
@Kyle_Lippert [A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
@_davidlucas_ He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
@TheRolo How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
@juanadog Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
@SoulYodeler Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
@StevieKnip Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
@shutupmikeginn if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
@MooseAllain I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
@Tommytoughstuff JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.