restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
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You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO