[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
You Might Also Like
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones