[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
You Might Also Like
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority