[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
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[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
My dress code is business-casualty.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
nobody’s gonna understand
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
cat faces on other animals, a thread