[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
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NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.