[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
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Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*