[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
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me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
so i’m at the stock market right
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.