[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
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I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.