[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
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Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Catering service
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.