[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
You Might Also Like
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients