[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
You Might Also Like
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
can I use a minion as a tampon
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.