[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
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Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”