[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
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It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.