restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
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SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
#parenting
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that