Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
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NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
im all 3
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face