[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
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If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you