[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
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Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this