[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
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[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse