[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
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{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
They got a point!
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Would you wear it?
😎 🍻
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.