Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
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Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.