Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
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*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?