[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
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I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure