Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
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My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.