Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
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It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Yeah. This was me today.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner