Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
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WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.