Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

HR said no more nunchucks.

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.