[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
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my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.