Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
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Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
This is what makes twitter great
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs