*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
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17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*