*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
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this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long