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gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
this is the most humiliating day of my life
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone