Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
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*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Sponch
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.