retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
You Might Also Like
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party