Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
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the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean