Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
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I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Jesus Christ lmao
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit