Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
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“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
my retirement plan is braless
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.