Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
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Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
getting old is fun
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her