Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
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cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.