reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
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That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
the #horror is real!
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.