reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
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*seductively eats two tums*
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!